New Daddy Diary, Entry #5? (I can't keep up)

What is fear? Simple, fear is the absence of knowledge. Yeah, that sounds profound and deep, but really to me there are few things more frightening than not knowing. When you're a new father, you are in an almost constant state of fear because the baby won't stop crying, or you don't hear him breathing, or you have no clue if you're doing anything at all correctly.

But those are common fears and they come and go with time. I've been told that the subsequent children that follow your first are much easier because your fears become less and less a problem. Tuesday I had a rather uncommon fear.

Let me preface this story by saying that in emergencies I tend to be very level headed on the outside and run every worst case scenario through my mind on the inside. Keeping that in mind, while at work on Tuesday, I got a frantic call from my wife. She had obviously been crying and still was. Her words were pained and her breath was short. Her voice trembled as she told me she had a pain in her chest, radiating through her back. She asked if I could come home, which of course, I did, dropping literally everything at work to rush home.

For those familiar with Bowling Green, KY where I live and work, you'll appreciate this. I got from my job at the 31W end of Scottsville Road to Plano Road which is across I-65 and beyond Greenwood High school in literally six minutes. For perspective, it takes me about 15 to get to work each morning going that route.

However, once on Plano road, I got locked behind a school bus letting kids out and the eight cars between me and the bus. I fought every urge to go around all nine vehicles on a blind hill because I had no idea what was happening with my wife and mother of my son. I did finally get home and found my wife in tears and agony. The last thing she had told me as I got off the phone was, "I can't take care of him (my son.)" So my thought was that she was having a panic attack. That turned out not to be the case, which scared me more because I think thought it was a heart problem.

I called 911 for the first and hopefully last time in my life. The paramedics arrived and ruled out heart problems and decided to take her on to the hospital in the ambulance. I was to follow behind, but was cautioned if the ambulance turned on its lights and siren, not to try to keep up. When they left the drive, the siren came on and they were gone. I loaded my son into his car seat and sped to the hospital, staying just within sight of the ambulance.

That leaves a man with too much time to think. My biggest fear was losing her in some way. I suppose that's every husband and father's biggest fear. For me I feel like it's amplified. My wife is the best thing short of salvation of my soul, to ever happen to me. And the two really aren't mutually exclusive because she keeps me inline and inspires me to be a better man, husband, Christian, and father.

So what is fear? Fear is not knowing, for those few minutes, if your wife is ok. Fear is not knowing if you're going to be raising a 6 week old boy on your own. Fear is not knowing how life's pendulum is going to swing.

My wife is ok. She's scheduled to have surgery on Tuesday to correct the problem, which turned out to be gall stones. It almost seems comical now, me thinking the worst and the problem turning out to be so minor, relatively. Fear like that is healthy I think. I appreciate my wife probably more than most men, but I do even moreso now. I look at my son and love him because of who he is and because he's part of my wife. And I want to try, even harder to be all of those things I mentioned.

So while the new daddy diary has been fairly light-hearted thusfar, I wanted to get this all off my chest. I apprecaite you obliging me that. I hope none of you who might read this ever have to fear like I did Tuesday. But if you do, I hope God grants you the outcome He did us.