What have I done to deserve this? I was going through my email today, most of which is junk especially in Yahoo, and I came across an email from someone named Bob, who wants to teach me how to be a witch. Besides the fact that it is a ridiculous email, wouldn’t I be a warlock and not a witch? I am not sure; I guess that is what they can teach me.
The email states that the country is “abuzz” about witchcraft after the release of the movie The Wicker Man on DVD. I had no idea this horribly reviewed movie, much like Justin Timberlake bringing sexy back, was bringing witchcraft back.
You other witches don’t know how to cast. Burn ‘em at the stake.
And all this time I thought this was a crappy remake of a weird 70’s cult movie. Shows how out of touch I am with mainstream America and their new found thirst for witchcraft.
The email goes on to explain that I will be taught “the power to cast effective spells that will make my wildest dreams come true.” It sounds like the writer of this email has been watching too much Napoleon Dynamite.
“Love, power, money, revenge” will all finally be mine, if I take witching lessons from this guy. Who says I don't already have love, money, power and take vengeance upon my enemies daily? Bob is very presumptuous.
I am invited to take a free 7 day private lesson online course that is “causing hot streams of excitement among magick apprentices all over.” Hmm, sounds interesting. Just by reading this far in the email, I have learned a few things about witches. First, they spell lessons like this, lessions and magic isn’t cool enough for them, they have the power of magick. I can only assume that the extra k is for kick-a**. They also seem to be hung up on money, power and revenge. No wonder witches have a bad rep and used to be burned at the stake.
If I visit this guy’s site for the next 7 days, I’ll get “devastatingly powerful witchcraft secrets” taught to me for free. Sounds too good to pass up. The email is signed by Bob and in parentheses under his name it says, (Currently near Ciaro, Egypt). I wonder if that is near Cairo. Ciaro must be the happeningest place for witches in Egypt.
If all this isn’t weird and strange enough, at the end of the email there is quite a long story/spell. I am afraid if I read it I will turn into a horny toad, but by quickly skimming it I see that the person who wrote the email proper also wrote this story/spell because words are spelled wrong and the writer seems to communicate in some sort of pigeon English.
Those kooky witches, God bless them they’re trying.
You Be Blessed
With Powers of Magick,
Piccu (Currently near Baever Dam, Kuntecky)