American Idol: The Tragic Ten

It's American Idol time and this week we have a weird theme, pop music. Wow, they are really stretching the boundaries of the show. And not only is the theme pop, but Gwen Stefani provides the contestants with a list of her personal favorites from which to choose. Yay!!! All the No Doubt and Police songs we can sing!!!

First we have Lakisha who somehow tricks Gwen into selecting a Donna Summer song as one of her personal favorites. I am glad to see Lakisha sing up-tempo, it has been weeks since she has. This was not her best, but she is still miles ahead of 8 of the singers. And Gwen is right, Lakisha could teach her a thing or two. The judges love her, but I wonder why Lakisha always looks frustrated or angry when she is in front of the judges. Oh well, who cares, she is the best.

Now Chris Sligh-dshow Bob is up with Every Little Thing by the Police. And right off the bat, he is right off the tempo. This guy struggles to stay on the beat. As Anthrax would say, "Yo, watch the beat. YEAHHHHHHH!" I just realized that he can't win this thing. He hasn't got IT. He is good but not great. He doesn't seem to be getting better and better each week and he always has some sort of excuse. I wish he were better.

Here comes Gina singing...something and she is a saucy mama. Instead of rocking it up this week she just stands and delivers. I thought this was her best in a while, if not the whole show. She seems to get better each week, unlike Sligh. I think she could slip into the final three if the breaks go her way. I love you Gina. You can't see it but I am crying like a 13 year old girl.

Here comes Sanjaya and good Lord what has he done. His hair is a mess and changing his hairdo is the only thing he seems capable of doing with any pizzazz. He isn't afraid to be crazy with his hair, but when it comes to performing, he seems so shy that you think he doesn't want to be there. He is just plain weird and to tell you the truth, he is starting to give me the creeps.

Sanjaya sings Bathwater, a No Doubt song, and of course and he sucks. I actually think this may have been his worst ever. I an beginning to think he needs to go. Nah, I'm just kidding, he sucks so bad it's irresistible. As far as forgetting the words, don't most singers on tour have a screen with the words right there for them to see? I think so. I think it is more the fault of American Idol than the singers if they forget the words because this is the 21st century. Gwen Stefani isn't out there singing on tour without the words on some cue cards. Give us a break.

Sorry. Legs is next, I mean Haley is next and I just wish that one week she would come out and sing in her underwear. She sings True Colors and wrecks the song. She f'ed up the melody so bad that the song became crap. IT seems that all her instincts are wrong, except for showing us some leg. She also did not pay any attention to what Gwen had to tell her and Gwen was right. Listen, you knuckleheads, it's alright to change the arrangement of a song, but you better be ready for the consequences if it is bad. What's the problem with straight singing a song? I know you want to make it yours, but most of the time this year, you make it crap.

Again, I'm sorry. Phil comes out and sings Every Breath by The Police. I know this is going to upset some, but I think Phil is the best guy vocalist in the thing. He seems to get better each week and he listens to the judges when they offer him advice. Like this week, he did not scream. He also wore a hat that made him less odd looking. He can't win this thing, but as far as the guys go he is the top one.

What's with Paula? She seems to be actually trying to help the singers this week. What happened to "You looks so pretty" and "I think you are so adorable?" Is she taking the pot? By the way, one of the great rock lyrics of all time is in this song Every Breath You Take, it is "Every claim you stake." Awesome.

Melinda is up and she is singing an up-tempo song too. I wonder if Melinda and Lakisha always choose them same style of song as the other does so neither really gains an advantage or disadvantage? Hmmm. Melinda sang something and as usual she sang it well. What more can you say, she and Lakisha are women and the rest of the competition is full of little gils. Where is her neck?

Here comes Blake singing Love Song by The Cure. What?? Oh no, he is going to ruin it with the beat boxing. Wait, he didn't beat box. And do you know what happens when Blakey-poo doesn't beat box? He usually does well. I may have to change my mind and say Blake is the best guy singer, at least until he beat boxes again. He can't win because his voice is not a strong voice that can hang with the top three girls, but he has a good sound. I still hate him.

Speaking of hate, her comes Miss Jordin and she is singing Hey Baby by, surprise, No Doubt. Does it seem that a lot of Gwen Stefani's favorite pop songs are her own? I thought this was Jordin's worst performance so far. I am not saying she was horrible, but I didn't think there was enough in the song to show off her talents. And that lower register she was in to start the song was brutal. She seemed to barely be able to hold it. Randy. Dawg. Brilliant?? Really? It was fun and different, but not my fave. She has no worries though.

And really speaking of hate, we have Chris Timberlake in full JT costume tonight and singing Don't Speak by, guess who, No Doubt. Gwen told him to basically, not F up her songs by giving it a case of the runs and you know that won't happen. If CT doesn't give us the runs, he is not that great a singer. I really can't stand to look at him. I am starting to think that I cannot judge this contestant with an unbiased and open mind. Why did this guy close? It wasn't a bad performance, but not a show stopper. I guess Lakisha and Melinda can't open and close every show, every week. I think America agrees with me by CT's bottom three last week, he can't win and he isn't good enough to win. Let him go and help my sanity.

Not a very good week, if you take away Lakisha and Melinda, you are left with mediocre singers. My bottom three this week was Sligh-d Show Bob, Legs and Sanjaya. But we know that two of the three won't be in the bottom, or will they? I think this is the bottom three and Sanjaya finally goes home this week. And fire up the conspiracy talk because AI just wanted him around to make the top 10 and the tour. He has outgrown his usefulness. Sanjaya is finally going home, home to that saucy sister of his. I envy him.

Nah, who am I kidding. Legs, your journey ends tonight. Now get to steppin.