American Idol: The Execrable Eleven

Well, it's over. I actually took notes during last night’s American Idol. I am such a tool. I hate myself, but here’s the way things went down.

First we have Haley who if you haven’t figured out by now is just an average singer. She’s the female Sanjaya, only not as bad as the actual Sanjaya. She sang something I didn’t know or cared to write down. She sounded flat throughout the performance and sounded out of breath by the end. She is in trouble, I think. The only thing that could have saved her was if her top would have fallen down. Hey, it got Antonella through a few weeks.

Next was Chris Timberlake with a song I didn’t know or cared to write down. I just dislike him so much, but this was probably his best performance and Simon agreed with me, so there. I’m glad to see he got over his bad case of the “runs,” also, a great arrangement of the song, whatever it was.

Next we have Stephanie Knowles. She sings a Dusty Springfield song and Dusty rocks by the way, and does a pretty good job, but she is in the same box as Lakisha and Melinda and she is nowhere near as good as them. She is in trouble. An aside, does Paula ever really say anything? All I hear is double talk. You need a Navajo codebreaker to figure out what she really means.

Now we have Blake the Beat Boxer. I really dislike this guy. He sings Time of the Season and immediately starts with the beat box. It sounds like The Fat Boys are coming back from the dead. He sang well but his voice just seems so small sometimes. He was the best of the guys, but I still loathe the beat boxing.

Next we have Lakisha with Diamonds are Forever and no matter what the judges say, I thought this was a great performance. I hated the hairdo but thought she looked lovely as usual. She has such a presence when she is on stage. I thought that at this point she was the best so far. The judges seem to be nonplussed. I am not computing. I think the judges are sandbagging a little bit because since Hollywood it has seemed like the Melinda Lakisha show. I think they are trying to gin up interest in others for better TV. Uh-oh, gay banter alert! Gay banter alert! Simon and Ryan are at it again. They are so gay for each other, dude.

Here comes Phil with Tobacco Road, a song I could sing by heart, and he seems to be doing the David Lee Roth version. Me likey. Phil looks too weird to win and while he is a decent singer, he loves to scream. By the way Simon, this song is a bar band song. I think he did alright, but because of his bottom 3 last week, when he was much better, and Simon’s rough comments, Phil is bottoming out this week.

Jordin comes out and sings a song I didn’t know or forgot to write down because she is turning into a hot mama. She is so beautiful and if Lakisha and Melinda weren’t in this thing, I would say she was your winner. Don't get me wrong, I think she can win if she has no big clunkers and because voters know Lakisha and Melinda are already going to do fine, but she is just out of their league. She was very good. Was Simon winking at Ryan at the end of that song? They are so gay for each other, dude.

Oh no! Sanjaya is up and he is going to sing You Really Got Me. Excuse me, what? Oh no! Well, here goes nothing. He was really bad in rehearsal and I thought he should have gone with the Turtles song, but when he got out onstage I thought he was actually pretty good, by Sanjaya standards. If you went onstage and took his pulse during this performance I think you would find that he actually had one. Who is that little girl? Was she crying because it’s Sanjaya and his singing is like a curse on our ears? I think she likes him! Hey, girlie, he isn’t the Beatles you know. That little girl is the reason he is still with us because there are about 2 million like her who vote for this shaggy haired weasel. His best ever and that combined with the waterworks will move him to top 10. Go, Sanjaya, go! Maybe rock is his thing, huh? Please AI cut him and bring in the sister, she is a saucy mama, AH-OOOOOOGA!

This is long, I know, bear with me. By the way, does anyone else think that the Bruce Willis/Halle Berry movie is going to suck so much? Halle Berry sure can pick them. She wins an Oscar and does nothing but straight trash afterwards. She is the female Nic Cage. And now back to AI.

Here comes Gina and she is talking about not paying attention to the blogs. Does she mean me? I love you Gina, I love you. Moving on, Gina sings Paint It Black. I LOVE THIS SONG! I thought she was great and rock seems to be her niche. I think this factor will keep her in over most of the guys and Stephanie. Oh, Randy, Paula, when you sing a rock song, it’s okay to be pitchy. So, SHUT IT!! Gina kind of got slammed and I thought she was going to pull a Haley and bust out in tears but rockers don’t cry and she soldiered on.

And Simon, I know this competition should be about singing but if that were the case this show would be on the radio and not on TV. This show is about more than singing and we see this every year as good singers get booted off for not being the most popular. You know this and we know this, just let it go.

Sorry, now we have Chris Sligh-d Show Bob and he is singing She’s Not There, another great song. He enters through the crowd and I don’t like it, but I hate people. I thought he did a good job and rivaled Blake as best of the guys. Maybe he really is Bringing Chubby Back.

Finally, we have Melinda singing…something with a new hairdo. I like it, it really shows off her lack of neck. She is great as usual but I would really like to hear her sing an up-tempo song. It seems she torches the place every week. What is the deal with that little girl?!? She’s crying AGAIN? I am getting tired of the “You really like me???” act from Melinda. She can be humble without looking like an idiot.

Well, we are almost done. I thought this was the best show so far this season. See what happens when you have a show based on rock, REAL rock. I also think that Seacrest gets a lot of grief, but he is really good at what he does and I think he is just as important as anyone when it comes to this show. Well, he is definitely more important than Paula. Anyway, I think Haley, Stephanie, and Phil will be bottom 3 and Phil will go home. Sanjaya deserves to go, but he did well and all that weeping will help his odds. Oh come on, she's crying AGAIN?!? What is the deal with that little girl?!?