American Idol: The Same Ol' Sucky Six

Well, we’re back, again, with the same six jackasses I wrote about last week. I know I should boycott, but Bon Jovi is a band near and dear to Dustin’s heart so I must write about this night. So here we go.

Phil is first and I called it, (ask Dustin) he is singing Blaze of Glory from the solo Bon Jovi. He’ll really get to scream this one, “SHOT DOWN, DOOOOOOOOWWWWWWNN!” I hate David Bryan by the way, he is the keyboardist for Bon Jovi. He ruins Bon Jovi. Back to Phil, I thought he did a really good job and I think he solidified his position as the best male vocalist left. The song was perfect for him and he looked like he had a great time. If he could somehow steal Bon Jovi’s looks, instead of his current Count Orlock look he would have it made. I think this was Phil’s best so far and he picked a great time to be good. Simon does not like him much; he let Phil have it with both barrels. I think the Count is safe this week. Did Randy play bass on every song?

We have Jordin next singing Livin’ on a Prayer, the song voted the best song of the ‘80’s on VH1 so this could be bad news. I was so sad to hear that Jordin’s mom grew up on Bon Jovi because I grew up on Bon Jovi. How old is her mom anyway? During the rehearsal Jon Bon says that at 17 he couldn’t sing half as good as Jordin and I’m not sure he can sing that good now for that matter. So Jordin comes out and begins her performance and she sounds so bad. I could barely hear her over the band during the verse and even when she got to the chorus and got to blow it out, she just didn’t have it. I hope this performance doesn’t cost her the chance to make final four because it was Sanjaya bad. She should stay, but AI fans have already proven with Sanjaya that they are idiots. Worst of the night and it’s not even close. Good news is that we got to hear a talk box on AI. OOOOH WAH OOOH WAH OOOH OOOH OOOH WAH

LaKisha is up and she has never heard of Bon Jovi. This should be fun. At this point of the night I was thinking it can only get worse from Jordin. LaKisha picks the never heard of it song called This Ain’t a Love Song. It should have been titled This Ain’t NO Love Song, but Jon Bon is from Jersey not Podunk. Her performance isn’t bad and much better than Jordin’s, but LaKisha seems to be the only one left that has regressed over the weeks instead of gotten better or at least stayed the same. She seems to be over this whole thing and is ready to move on. After this song I really realized that this group hasn’t given us that big, goose bumpy, blow you away performance. No one has come close and no one will. Worst. Group. Ever. LaKisha was better than Jordin, but not Phil. Did anyone else think that Seacrest was going to ask for a kiss from Simon too?

Blake is up and he is singing You Give Love a Bad Name. Oh no!!!! In the rehearsal video he doesn’t want to give away the interpretation he is going to do of this song. My thought at that moment was, “He is really going to c*@k this up.” So what style will he go with this week? Reggae? Hip-hop? Morose crooning? Beatbox the whole thing a cappella? Give me strength! I watched the rehearsal and I loathed it immediately. Did JBJ say that Blake is not going to sing for 16 measures? I almost blacked out at this point. So here comes Blake and he does his thing. I hate myself for saying this, and you don’t have any idea how much I hate myself, but I thought this was really good. Except for the stupid middle beatbox breakdown, I thought this was Blake’s best. Unfortunately because of the beat boxing I can’t put him as the best of the night. He is still behind Phil and…yamma hamma, I may hate Blake, but I love his fans. Hello Blondie!!!

Chris Timberlake is next doing a mashup of Justin Timberlake vs. Bon Jovi. He is singing Wanted Dead or Alive and I immediately throw up in my mouth a little bit. "He is going to ruin the best Bon Jovi song ever," that was my initial thought. Here we go, and it was pretty good. He just went out and sang like a rock singer and pulled it off. It just goes to show you that big rock guitars can make even the crappiest singers sound good. Thankfully, this performance won’t be enough to keep him on until next week. But he’s going out, out, in a blaze of glory.

I am really surprised this night is going so well, maybe every night should be Bon Jovi night. It’s just too bad Sanjaya wasn’t there to sing Lay Your Hands on Me. Girls in Wisconsin are weeping over this.

Melinda is next and I am expecting a Jordin like wipeout from her because first, Melinda is more grandma than rocker chick and second, Bon Jovi has only been around for 20 to 25 years and Melinda doesn’t’ sing songs post WWII. She is going to sing Have a Nice Day. To show how much of a rocker she isn’t, she can’t decipher how she is supposed to throw the devil horns. Rock on, indeed. So here she comes and Melinda kind of turned into Tina Turner all of a sudden. She is actually pulling this off. She did far better than I thought she would, but as has been said many times before, she is a pro and is about 45 years old. She had great energy and I thought she was the best of the night, followed by Blake, Phil, Chris, LaKisha, and Jordin. Now I really need to see her sing Proud Mary, so make that a priority for the judges pick the song week.

We move on to tonight and two will be going home and I think we know who those two are. It’s over for Chris and LaKisha. I don’t think they did enough to stay. I am worried that Jordin’s clunker was soooo bad that she might go in a huge upset, but I would think her fans would see this and just vote more to make sure she stays. It ought to be an interesting results show, well at least the last five minutes anyway.