He’s healed! Who’s healed you ask? The Rev. Ted Haggard, that’s who. That’s right; he is healed of his homosexuality. We found a cure! Isn’t that great news?
After three weeks of intense counseling with four ministers, one of the ministers says Rev. Ted is now “completely heterosexual.” Apparently Rev. Ted discovered that he wasn’t really a homosexual, he was just “acting out.” I can think of better ways to act out than allegedly visiting a male prostitute for sex and drugs every month or so. “It’s wasn’t a constant thing,” according to one of his curing ministers. And here I thought that if you had sex with someone of the same sex multiple times that that made you homosexual. It seems that there is a limited amount of times you can have sexual relations with someone of the same sex and still be deemed heterosexual.
Another good sign for Rev. Ted’s heterosexuality, according to those that cured him, he only had sex with the one male prostitute. See, one partner, straight. Multiple partners, gay. Easy enough. Once you cross that line and start having sex with multiple partners of the same sex, you may be homosexual. That sounds like a Jeff Foxworthy joke doesn’t it?
Also according to the ministers that helped him get over his homosexuality, they will only be proved wrong if another male sex partner comes forward. But it has been 90 days and that apparently is the time limit for claims like these to be filed. It looks like Rev. Ted is all the way back. The bad news for Rev. Ted is that an oversight board cancelled all his Colorado Springs privileges and said “when you’re gone, you stay gone, or you be gone.” I made that last part up, but it was recommended he move and he and his “wife” are looking for a new town to start over.
Thank goodness, all’s well that ends well. Now that we have the cure for homosexuality, we, as a society, can now focus on the little things, like AIDS, cancer, diabetes. Onward and upward my friends.