Study shows that daytime TV watchers score poorly on memory and other cognitive tests. In other surprising news, Barry Bonds took steroids.

A new study has appeared that shows that older women who say that daytime talk shows and soap operas are their favorite shows, score more poorly on tests of memory, attention, and other cognitive skills. Is this surprising? Have you seen daytime TV? The researchers want to point out that this does not mean that daytime TV will rot your brain, but it “is a marker for something suspicious.”

I’ll say it is. Daytime TV is the perfect thing to watch if you have degraded memory, attention and cognitive skills. Soap operas take 1 to 2 years to wrap up a plot line. They are so bad you can watch a soap for two weeks and then check back in exactly one year and not be out of the loop. Having to keep up with shows like Lost and Veronica Mars can be hard to do for even the most nimble minds. And God forbid there are octogenarians trying to keep up with the Sopranos, what with a two year wait in between seasons and some crazy coma induced dream sequences in which Tony Soprano is slapped in the face by a Buddhist monk. I can barely keep up, much less your Nana.

Daytime talk shows are not much different than soaps. Jerry Springer has the same show on every day. Someone has a secret to tell their lover and it always involves their lover's mom, dad, brother, sister, or family pet. It always ends up breaking down into a cat fight and then some random woman in the crowd decides it is time to let her puppies loose for the whole trailer park watching at home to see.

Maury Povich on the other hand is always interested in finding out who the daddy is of some meth mouthed trailer park hoochie. Another thing Maury loves is to dress up men as woman and stand them beside women and let the audience guess who’s a man. Brilliant! And Montel wants Silvia Browne to tell you the future and pass on the important message from Uncle Gus. Do not take that trip to the Bahamas. I see lupus in your future.

So there you have it. Daytime TV described to the last detail. I definitely find something very suspicious about it. If this crap doesn’t rot your brain, then reality TV will.