American Idol: The Egregious Eight

American Idol time and we had a real treat last night. It was Latin night and JelLo was there to help the singers. YAYYYYYY!!! This was B-R-utal to watch I have to tell you. The worst one ever, it was so bad that Sanjaya was actually pretty good. Let’s go.

Melinda is up first and she is going to show us her sultry sexy side and sing the Latin super hit Sway. Yeah I never heard of it either, but JelLO has covered it so it must be good. Melinda is just great as usual. What more is there to say about her? She is so good that she is becoming boring and I am afraid that will cost her votes in the long run. Good, but eh.

Lakisha is next sing Conga by the Miami Sound Machine and I have to tell you, I love the MSM. One of my first cassette tapes was the album with this song. Lakisha is a hot mama tonight. Did anybody else think she was going down in those high heels? That would have been awesome. This was not her best performance, but she is just like Melinda, good every week. It’s hard to get any better when you are good every week. Gay Banter Alert!! Gay Banter Alert!! Simon and Ryan are at it again. Get a room!!

Does anyone else love that Guitar Hero 2 ad for the Xbox? It rules, I love Wolfmother.

Chris Timberlake is next and he is singing Smooth and is portraying Justin Timberlake impersonating Rob Thomas. This guy comes out every week and does the same runs, the same dance, the same weird facial expressions and the same crappiness that makes me sick. If this d-bag wins I will shoot my TV with a 12 gauge. Otherwise, he didn’t do that bad, I did not like it, but I think he is in no danger of bottom threeing.

Here comes Legs (Haley for the uninitiated) and she is singing Turn the Beat Around. Is this a Latin song? I guess any song sung by a Latin artist is considered “Latin” music. I always thought this was a disco song by some white chick. Anyway, Legs is working it by wearing the hot pants. Yamma hamma, me likey. This song is too fast for her to keep up with or she is too fast to keep up with the song. She looks kinda fast. I can’t understand a word she is singing, but in the grand scheme of things, that is not that important.

Randy is correct, dog, this was bad karaoke. I think Legs hates Paula, she always rolls her eyes when Paula talks to her. Did you notice Legs was looking to Ryan to save her from Simon’s comments? She is a really bad singer but a super hot mama. I hope America feels the same way and we get Legs in the final two. There is no telling what she will or will not wear to win. By the way, I had fun too, Legs. Will you marry me?

Phil comes out and sings Maria, Maria and he is not bad, but then no one is good tonight. I hate his hat being pulled down over his ear, but the man’s a goblin, he has to try something. I thought he was the best guy singing wise tonight, but he is as boring as a plain beef taco. He is in deep deep guacamole tonight.

Jordin is next with another Miami Sound Machine song, my favorite MSM song, The Rhythm is Gonna Get You. I’m sorry judges; I thought this was very good. She can sing, she is fun and she looks like she is having a good time every night. She can win this thing, assuming Sanjaya is not in the finals with her. Simon keeps saying there is no progression and the performances are not great. I wonder why? If Latin music was any good you would her it all the time on the radio. Besides the Miami Sound Machine, there is no such thing as good Latin music. This is your own fault American Idol, you pick a sucky theme and you get sucky performances. Sorry.

Blake is next and he is singing I Need to Know and I need to puke. I hate this song and I am starting to really hate Blake. He is just not that great. It was just alright for me, dog. This may have been the best of the night, but it does nothing for me. At least it seems he has retired the idiotic beat boxing, so I will keep him over Chris and Phil.

Now it is time for Sanjaya singing Busame Mucho and it appears that he was eating a cupcake with chocolate icing before he came out and someone forget to wipe his face off. There is Spanish in this song, no? This should be a train wreck. What was that line, Sanjaya? “Que tengo bien wah bah there they pear der de los pway?” What?!? No hablar puerco espanol, ducha bolsa. And stop looking at me like that Creepy McCreeperson.

Well, besides the crap on his face, the creepy looks into the camera and the pigeon Spanish, I thought he was the best of the night. He is flipping the game, dog. He has gone from crappy to putrid overnight. He can win this thing. Mark my words, he has got this thing, dog. Was that the hippies from The Amazing Race? And is it me or is his sister the hottest thing on Fox? Yowsa!!! Look out Legs, we have a new competitor for my lust.

Okay, this night was crap. As bad as it has been so far, Latin night was the worst. Nothing stuck out to me as a blow you away performance but there were some that were worse than others. The bottom three tonight will be Phil, Haley and, sadly, Jordin. I think Jordin will be sent back to the group and Phil will say adios tonight just because of the goblin effect. You can’t get rid of Legs, come on. Who knows, we may have a Hair Metal theme coming up and you know Legs will need a pole for that performance.

By the way, next week looks to be Country week with Martina McBride. Yay? It can’t be any worse than this night of mule dung. Until next week, keep Legs in your prayers.