Fantasy football is here, time to dominate.

Dun-Dun-Dun Dun (to be sung to the tune of the Monday Night Football theme.) It is quickly becoming football season and if you are a faithful reader of my little column and I know at least 4 of you are, you know how I feel about football in 90 degree weather. Well, I must admit that I am actually looking forward to the football season. I say that every season, for every sport, but when the season starts I quickly lose interest, unless it is college basketball season and the Cats are playing. Nevertheless, I have a new reason to look forward to the upcoming football schedule. I am embarking upon my first fantasy football season.

Yes, they finally got me. I have been a fantasy sports player for years, just not football. I have dominated foes both known and unknown in basketball and baseball. The fun is quickly becoming lost in those sports because when you are the best at what you do, there is no challenge. I have even totally turned some off from the fantasy sports game because of my devastating run of excellence. I have decimated opponents left and right. It is time for a new challenge.

This challenge will be taken on by joining a fantasy sport in which I do not have a wide base of knowledge. I somewhat follow football and I find myself enjoying it at certain times of the season, but I wouldn’t call myself a stat head when it comes to the NFL. I will need to become one now. I have been invited to join a Yahoo custom league and I have just signed up. It’s on.

I will admit that I will need all the help I can get. I know the better players, but there has to be a strategy. There always is a strategy to win at fantasy sports. The biggest thing seems to be the drafting of a big time running back. This is because a running back will touch the ball 90% of the time, even if he should be bagging groceries instead playing in the NFL. To help me with my drafting, I have a cheat sheet. I got this in the mail from my favorite fantasy basketball source. They sent me a complete schedule and cheat sheet with rankings for every position. They were trying to get me to spend a few hundred dollars on their fantasy football game, but I think not. Why buy the football when you can play for free? Or something like that.

I am essentially going into this blind. I have never played this game and I don’t necessarily keep up with it. I need to figure something out to give me an edge; I believe I shall use my newly patented “Five Prong Attack” for fantasy football.

Prong 1: I will use my cheat sheet to rank my players, hoping that this set of rankings is better than any of the other 6 million rankings I could use out there. This way I won’t fill my head with so many rankings and too much analysis that I freeze up come draft time. This also plays into my affinity for laziness and extreme disdain for research.

Prong 2: I may enter another team into the league under an assumed name. This way, I will have a larger talent pool and I will be able to trade players with myself and build a super team. Truth be told I am entered in the league now under an assumed name, but you keep that under your hat. When it comes to email addresses, I like to stay off the grid so to speak. I don’t want anyone to have my real email address or my real name, so I won’t get email that I don’t want. For this reason, I have a fake email with an assumed name. So my team is currently owned by Dr. Ron Mexico of Atlanta, Georgia. I may enter under my own name and claim to have invited Dr. Mexico into the league, so that I may not arouse suspicion. Then, let the trading begin!

Prong 3: I will add and drop and add and drop and add and drop until I can finalize a team that will win. I don’t know if there is a good add and drop strategy in fantasy football. There is one good late season add drop strategy for fantasy baseball.

Get real close to the paper and make sure no one is looking and I will share it with you. This is really effective in a Yahoo baseball league. To pile up wins and strike outs you just add a couple starting pitchers everyday and in turn drop a couple of starting pitchers everyday. This gives you 2 or 3 chances for wins every day and the opportunity for around 15 k’s a day. Assuming you have a good offense, that is two guaranteed pitching stats you can win. Keep this on the down low because some will assume this as a way of cheating. I like to think of it as taking advantage of every opportunity available.

Prong 4: I may just turn over my team to a professional fantasy football player. If I find myself floundering or even foundering in this league, I will pay someone to take on the responsibility of attaining a first place finish for me. This is what I like to refer to as fantasy sub contracting. Usually I am the one being called on to turn a team into a winner, but that is in baseball and basketball.

Prong 5: If the going gets too tough and I decide against hiring a professional, I will probably just go in the tank. I will not mess with the team until the playoffs start and then claim that I was cheated when I do not win. This line of defense has served me well in the past, and I see no reason why it won’t work here.

There it is, my plan to dominate and devastate this season in fantasy football. You can use my patented “Five Prong Attack” for your own, as long as you give me the credit for your win. If you lose, you obviously did not utilize the “Five Prong Attack” correctly and I will assume no responsibility for your loss. So to all those playing fantasy football this season, good luck, and for those playing against me, you are going to need it.