Bring Dwight Schrute to your office.

I am not sure if you are a fan of the show, The Office, but you should be. It is a remake, of sorts, of a British show by the same name starring Ricky Gervais. Check it out on DVD if you can, you will not be disappointed it is hilarious. The American version is also very good. There is a character on the show named Dwight Schrute, who is so over the top, so mental, so overeager to please, that he makes the show. And now for fans of The Office and Dwight Schrute, NBC brings you the Dwight Schrute bobble head doll. Check it out and pick one up, it is sure to brighten up your office space.

Michelle Rodriguez is now Prisoner # 4815-162342

Have you seen this? Lost’s Michelle Rodriguez has decided to spend five days in jail rather than do 240 hours of community service. She’s hardcore. Or she doesn’t want to waste her time going to hospitals to see sick kids or make public service announcements about the dangers of drunk driving. She pleaded guilty to driving under the influence and agreed to pay a $500 fine and do the jail time.

I have always wondered why she was always the hard chick in her movies, maybe now we know. She was a boxer, a gearhead/racer, the may or may not be lesbian surfer chick, the sweaty SWAT chick, a woman among men. She plays that role well. I was ready for her to be in a chick flick or maybe a spread in Playboy or Maxim. I do love me some Michelle Rodriguez, although she would probably beat me like Ricky Manning, Jr. going after a laptop salesman.

My guess, or hope, is that she is using her time behind bars as research for a women in prison movie she may have coming up. That’s caged heat.

The Kentucky state legislature is concerned about your in-state athletes. Why?!?

The Chris Lofton resolution is being proposed in the Kentucky state legislature. What is that you ask? It is a non binding resolution that encourages the state public universities to “recruit and offer scholarships to athletically and academically gifted students from Kentucky.” Now, I have no problem with state universities wanting to recruit more in-state athletes. I think it is always cool to be able to root for your favorite team and have many of the players be from your home state. I do have a problem with making in-state athletes a priority over out of state athletes who may have more talent.

In Kentucky, I think a piece of the fanbase, at least the UK fanbase, would love nothing more than for every player on the team to be a white Kentucky boy. I, on the other hand, want my players to hail from New York, Cali, Texas, anywhere but Kentucky. Unless that Kentucky player is going to really help my team. For those of you who do not remember, UK did sign two former Kentucky Mr. Basketballs. Mr. Basketball is the “best” player in the state. Now, Brandon Stockton and Josh Carrier may have been the best high school players in the state during their senior years, but they sucked in college. I think that a school should be more worried about whether a player can help their team win or is good enough to play for their school than about where the player is from.

I am sure that this representative is putting this out there to get the college basketball fans in her district to vote for her. Everyone in the state will love her and she can ride this resolution all the way to the governorship. Not if my vote has anything to say about it.

I wish both state and federal government would concentrate on government type stuff and not the sporting world. I think the sporting world can handle itself. I need the government to find out a way to keep the gas prices down or figure a way out of this Iraq mess. Leave recruiting issues and steroids alone and help our state and country with the real issues.

Reggie Bush, Ricky Manning Jr. and Gillian Anderson. What do these three have in common? Nothing.

Reggie Bush's parents apparently have been chased out of their home after reporters showed up on their doorstep inquiring over the ownership of the house. The Bush's have been leasing and the owner is allegedly some sort of sports agent or someone affiliated with a sports agent. This seems fishy, but it shouldn't be surprising. I have said many times that I doubt that there are very many "successful" clean programs. Every program is guilty of something and once every 5 to 10 years the NCAA busts someone to make an example out of them to keep up appearances. This is true for all sports, not just basketball or football.

In the end this will probably just go away because I wouldn't want to kill my golden goose if I were the NCAA. USC is a big name that makes the NCAA a ton of money and I'm sure things will be worked out so that they can continue to feed the coffers.

Ricky manning, Jr. has been arrested on assault charges and according to PTI he assaulted a "nerd." That was how PTI termed it. He and his home skillets punched and kicked a man into unconsciousness allegedly because he was carrying a laptop and looked like a nerd. I imagine most nerds and geeks currently in high school will not have a good reaction to this news. It's bad enough they are "punished" during that time of life, but now you have to be wary of being jumped by jocks in a Denny's? Manning has just signed a huge offer sheet with the Chicago Bears and I am sure that most of his money will now be going to Chester Poindexter for the beating he received at the hands of Ricky and his frat brothers.

In other news today, Gillian Anderson and her husband of 16 months have called it quits apparently. That means that I am free to woo her for myself. I love those redheads, man. Unfortunately, because I have now made my geek lust for Agent Scully publicly known, I am sure I can look forward to a beating at the hands of Ricky Manning, Jr. any day now. I can take a little beating if it gets me a whole lotta Scully.

The NFL Draft is this weekend. Here are better options.

It’s my favorite time of year. It’s NFL Draft time. I can’t wait for this over hyped non event to begin and then in roughly six weeks, end. This may be the biggest scam that ESPN tries to get over on their audience each year. Even more so than poker, even more so than bass fishing, even more so than NCAA cheerleading.

By the by, those are all programs I would watch over the NFL Draft. Speaking of which, I thought maybe I would give you some options this weekend while this load of mule dung will be taking up space on ESPN for a couple of days or more.

The NFL Draft begins at 11 AM this Saturday and I don’t mind watching the first hour. As far as I am concerned that is the most you need to know. I want to know who the top five or ten picks are. I do not need to know the 58 pick of the 600th round. It does not matter to me. If the Cincinnati Bengals aren’t picking in the top 10 I don’t really care about anything.

So, you have watched the first hour or so, now I recommend finding a good baseball game to watch. If you are like me, you have some sort of dish package that allows you the ability to watch every game in the world. That will take up my daytime hours. I will watch any game, especially if I have some fantasy players in the game. Check your local listings. You could also check out a Busch race or an NBA playoff game at 2 PM, which will take up some time.

I would even go so far as to recommend doing yard work or building a tree house. I would recommend punching that hornet’s nest you found in that tree out in the woods. A good trip to the emergency room may take you deep into the second day of the draft.

For Saturday night I think you could find something to do. I know gas prices are so high it is cheaper to fly to Owensboro or Bowling Green than to drive, but you could take out a loan and go out to eat and/or see a movie. You could check out the number one movie this week, Silent Hill. I hear it is the feel good movie of the spring.

You could even go to Target and buy the first season of Veronica Mars and watch all 22 episodes. It’s on sale. That would definitely eat a chunk of your weekend up. Perhaps rent a few DVDs to watch. I would recommend Match Point starring Scarlett Johansson. Woo woo woo woo!

On Sunday, you could go to church and then go out to eat or sleep in until noon and then go out for lunch, which takes care of your morning. Then you settle in for more baseball, NBA playoff basketball or NASCAR racing. If you are looking for something different, you could try this new thing that I have heard about. It is really simple and there is a special place you can get what you need for free.

This crazy new fangled activity? Reading. Go to the library and get a book and spend the day reading. There are a lot of great sports books out there. I know for a fact that our local library has a great biography on the “Georgia Peach” Ty Cobb. I have read it and I highly recommend it. You think Barry Bonds is a bad guy? Bonds is a saint compared to Cobb.

There you go, I have given a few suggestions of things you could do instead of watching this overblown business transaction that is the NFL Draft. For those of you who truly love the draft I can only say, I wish you all the best and you need to get out a little more. Enjoy your time with Mel Kiper Jr., as for me; I have a date with Miss Veronica Mars.

Dallas is coming to the big screen, bad idea?

Hey, I’ve got an idea. Hollywood should make the great TV show Dallas into a feature film. That would rule. I am sure everybody would go see it and it would become so big of a hit that we could look forward to a new movie every two or three years. The only thing is that the characters in the original were played perfectly by the actors chosen for the roles. I mean who else but Larry Hagman could play J. R. Ewing. It would be an impossible task for a casting director to find someone to fill Mr. Hagman’s large boots.

Linda Gray was just as good and just as big a character as J. R.’s wife, Sue Ellen. The battles that those two had were legendary in TV history. Sue Ellen went through a child loss, a drunken phase, an insane phase; well she went through it all. Another hard character to cast.

Wait a minute, I have an idea. I know who we could cast as J. R. Ewing. Someone that screams Texas. Someone who is known for being a bad guy in the movies. Yes, you guessed it, John Travolta. What? You don’t think JT could play a good J.R.? Well, too late, it has already happened. It’s true; John Travolta will be J.R. in the upcoming Dallas movie.

That’s not the worst or weirdest casting. Guess who they decided to give the Sue Ellen part to? Another person who just screams Texas. A real southern belle. Jennifer Lopez!!! Yes, that’s true too. J-Lo is Sue Ellen. I am not a huge Dallas fan, there was a time I got caught up in the reruns on TNN back in the day, but I can say these two castings do not suit me.

Where else can they go from here? Dame Edna as Miss Ellie? Taye Diggs as Bobby Ewing? Paris Hilton as Pamela? I guess all this depends on if the director and producers are going for camp/comedy or drama. If it is the latter, then I think they have already ruined their attempts and should go the opposite direction.

IA Tip O' The Day: Leaving a threatening voicemail...

Piccu likes to do the "Quotes of the Day" and things like that, so I thought I would give a Tip O' The Day. So here goes.

I don't like voicemail. I have voicemail on my phone, but I don't use it because I'm not that hard to track down and I doubt anyone really needs me so badly that they should need me to check my voicemail that often.

I had to purchase a new phone when my Moto died for no reason and I didn't want to spend $200 for a phone straight from Cingular so I went Ebaying for a cheap phone. I probably should have bought the same Moto again, but after one dies for no apparent reason, why buy another one?

So I got a Samsung (for 70 bucks) that is actually a T-Mobile phone and yesterday the little "you've got voicemail" symbol popped up. Unfortunately it won't go away even after all is emptied, but that's neither here nor there.

I set up the mailbox(that doesn't mean leave me a voicemail for those of you who know my number) and I went through the old messages. Some were almost a year old, but one was about a month old and I couldn't really understand it.

All I could really make out was a curse word and "Wal-Mart" the first two times I listened to it. After listening about 10 times here's what it said.

"Listen here, mother(expletive deleted), you stopped paying your child support and I've seen that little (expletive deleted) you are running around with. I heard her running her mouth in Wal-Mart about me, mother(expletive deleted). (Unintelligible sentence.) Don't think that I won't kick y'all's (expletive deleted), mother(expletive deleted). "

Now that might not be exactly word for word what this crazy chick said, but it's pretty (expletive deleted) close.

Here's the IA Tip O' The Day for all of you out there who are going to leave expletive-laden threatening voicemails to your dead beat dad boyfriends or people you generally hate.

Make sure you dial the right number.

Point shaving and cheating in college

Sorry, I had to write about "point shaving" so we could get more hits. LOL It seems to be a favorite subject.

When it really comes down to it this is still just a rumor. Of course the UK fans all think that UK is squeaky clean and of course all of the other fans, from institutions that shall remain nameless, think that UK is center of all that is evil in this world and that they cheating us all.

Personally, I believe that if anyone thinks any school is completely clean is a little naive. Sure we hear about the ridiculously huge cheating or rule breaking stories, but that's usually after disgruntled personnel or players blow the whistle about gifts of money or women.

I'm not going to say everybody does it, but if pushing the envelope just a little and maybe breaking the occasional rule was really frowned upon then Bob Huggins and Jim Harrick would be looking at cheating on different continents at this point. How many times have they been in trouble? Baker's dozen? Surely by now they would have worn out their U. S. coaching privileges if what they have done was actually viewed as morally or ethically reprehensible.

But no, no, no, Harrick will eventually land a job and Huggins is at Kansas State and I've heard that he's looking at landing O. J. Mayo as a recruit. Mayo was practically viewed as a god in the Kentucky, Ohio, West Virginia tri-state area as an eighth grader and was a USA Today first-teamer this year. Here's his list of 10 schools from a USA Today online chat.

cincinnati, ohio: o.j have you started your college selection and what are your top choices
O.J. Mayo: I have about 9-10 choices. I like Florida A&M, Louisville, Texas, Georgia Tech, Connecticut, Kentucky, Syracuse, West Virginia, Cincinnati and North Carolina. (not in any order)

But thanks to the good people at FireTubby.com who posted a link to Mayo's myspace.com site, we know that he doesn't like school. Don't believe me? I added the emphasis.

About me:
I am just a guy from North College Hill that loves sports and to hangout with friends. There isnt nothing better than home cooked meals. My favorite food is Fried Chicken. I hate school.

That mystery is solved.

The good news is that Huggins doesn't like graduating players. Heck he couldn't even graduate the benchwarmers. So, they're a match made in heaven. However, you have to wonder how Huggins could lure Mayo to Kansas State of all places. But depending on how much Mayo really hates school, that might be the place for him since he'll only have to be covered up for a year.

Anyway, no successful college is squeaky clean and some colleges that suck aren't squeaky clean either. Some infractions may be bigger than others, but no student or fan really knows because none of us are on "the inside." And the fact of the matter is, with UK, as long as you wore the uniform and sat on the bench you'll be taken care of when you graduate. So it's in a player's best interest to keep their mouth shut.

We aren't on the inside because we talk too much and can't be trusted to keep our mouth shut. Which is why we attach the term "rumor" to the possible point shaving that may or may not have been going on.

However, just because it might not ever come out still doesn't mean that it might not have actually happened.

Free breast exams! Get your free breast exams here!!

“Yes, ma’am, I am a doctor conducting house to house free breast examinations. I wonder if you would be interested.” Is that how this started? A 76 year old man, a man who should supposedly know better, was arrested and charged with sexual assault after claiming to be a doctor giving free breast exams. Apparently two women fell for it, or at least at first.

One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to get naked and began examining her without using rubber gloves. “Uh, yes ma’am, it's the new technique for the exam. The rubber deadens the touching sense, therefore I might miss something and you could die.” I’m sure that was how things went down. Of course this all took place in Florida. Any thing you read that sounds to crazy to be true takes place in Florida.

The man was arrested in the apartment of another “patient” after the first woman called the police. Does this mean the first woman was suspicious but went ahead and let him do his examination in case he was a real doctor? I wonder. Sounds like a heck of a scam, I wonder why it has taken this long for someone to think of it. This guy is a lock for the pervert hall of fame. The question is, will this work in the OC? Maybe I should conduct a study.

Ever get the feeling Tom Cruise isn't insane? Well, you were wrong.

Just when you think that this whole Tom Cruise being crazy thing has just been blown out of proportion, you get something like this. I will admit that this comes from The Sun, a known tabloid in the U.K., so take this into consideration.

I’ll just give you the quote from Tom Cruise, “I’m gonna eat the placenta, too. “I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.”

Yikes!!! He is one half step away from cannibalism. Is that something Scientologists do? Do they think it has some sort of mystical power? Will Tom gain the youth and strength from the mother and baby so he can live forever? I can just picture him in the birthing area waiting patiently with a knife and fork.

Tom Cruise is a nutbag. Or a cat of some sort.

The future of sex or We were supposed to be in flying cars by the year 2000, you know.

I saw this article on Yahoo and it gives you a glimpse into the future of sex. You have to read this thing, it is unbelievable. They discuss the possibility of what takes place on Demolition Man between Sly Stallone and Sandra Bullock happening in the future. For those of you who never saw that crappy movie, they didn’t have sex sex, they used some sort of virtual reality program that stimulated their minds into thinking they were.

Of course all of the porn purveyors are loving the new technology. They can’t wait for robots like Jude Law’s character in the movie Artificial Intelligence. There is also talk of two remote computers “to manipulate electronic devices such as a vibrator at the other end for sexual purposes.” The name of this field, teledildonics. I kid you not. That would make a great album title.

The more I think about this, the more I think this is just a late April fool’s Day joke. See for yourself.

Favorite song lyrics of all time, the IA edition.

The people of the U.K. has a lot of time on their hands and they love to take polls on some of the most meaningless things. The latest meaningless poll is the U.K.’s favorite song lyric. U2’s “One” contains their favorite lyric, “One life, with each other, sisters, brothers.” I guess that is alright. It seems that the U.K. is an upbeat nation of music lovers.

That is until we get to the U.K.’s second favorite song lyric from The Smiths’ “How Soon is Now” with “So you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry, and you want to die.” There you have it, the yin and the yang.

I wonder what my favorite song lyric is. AC/DC’s “Let Me Put My Love into You” with “Let me cut your cake with my knife” is pretty good, but favorite? No.

Perhaps a more obscure lyric from an obscure band the Eagles of Death Metal’s “Wastin’ Time” with “Wastin my time, Lord, wastin my time, with no ambition than to waste some more.” That says it all.

I think we may need to explore a couple of the greatest lyricists of all time, Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley of Kiss.

Here’s a good one from “Heaven’s on Fire,” “Baby don't stop,
take it to the top, eat it like a piece of cake.”
It seems metallers love to use cake in their metaphors for sex.

I believe my favorite song lyric of all time is actually a verse from Kiss’ “C’Mon and Love Me.” It goes a little something like this,

“I'm a man, I'm no baby
And you're lookin' every inch a lady
You're good lookin' and you're lookin' like you should be good
You were distant, now you're nearer
I can feel your face inside the mirror
The lights are out and I can feel you, baby, with my hand.”

It doesn’t get much better than that, my friends. Rock on!!!!

NBA action and steroids, fantastic.

I’ll be honest with you; I’ve got nothing this week. At least nothing I can write a whole column about. I might just write about things that annoy me or I might write about things that I enjoy this time of year. Maybe I will combine both of them and give you, dear readers, a little hodge podge. Let’s hunt.

The NBA playoffs are getting ready to start up. What does that mean? Well, it means there will be a NBA game on TV every night for six and a half months. The NBA postseason is so long that I don’t know how the top teams find any time to rest before the next season starts.

The off season for a player on the Detroit Pistons or the San Antonio Spurs is like two weeks. I do have to admit that an NBA player’s off season is longer than an NHL player’s or a NASCAR driver’s off season. A NASCAR driver has about a week and a half of an off season and the NHL has a 72 hour off season.

I like the NBA playoffs because there is so much bad basketball during the regular season that by the time we get to the second round, you can actually watch some meaningful, if not exciting, NBA action.

I have a feeling we are going to see the same NBA Finals we saw last season, which cannot make the TV people happy. You have two teams that are content to play a defensive style of basketball and are not flashy, are not from major TV markets, and have players that do not care if they are in movies or in commercials.

I believe the Detroit Pistons and the San Antonio Spurs will meet again for the championship. I do not believe the Pistons can be beat by anyone in the East, but I think that the Spurs may have a tough time with the Dallas Mavericks.

I like the Mavs. They have a ton of good players and a great player in Dirk Nowitzki. They like to run and score and somehow, after years of not being able to guard a dead dog, they are playing some hard nosed defense. If anyone can stop the Spurs it will be Dallas. In the end, I like the Pistons to take home the championship, a little revenge for last year.

On to baseball and I thought the steroid era was over. If that is true, then why are we getting a record number of home runs hit this season? Could it be that big, jacked up sluggers weren’t the only baseball players using steroids? I’ll admit that when I think of a baseball player using steroids, I automatically think of a hitter, not a pitcher.

Pitchers are just like hitters. They want any edge they can get over their opponents. Pitchers want to win and make the big bucks. Why wouldn’t some of them use steroids to “help” them achieve these things? You have to think that many pitchers knew or suspected that hitters were using. I have to think that some pitchers may have taken steroids to combat what the hitters were taking.

If this is true, then it would seem that pitchers, who were on steroids and who are now coming off steroids, would struggle with a loss of speed and velocity, especially middle relievers. Perhaps this is why there is such a surge in home runs this season. Either that or instead of the players, the balls are juiced.

As far as the investigation into steroids in the major leagues, I would hope that pitchers as well as hitters would be investigated. I also hope that hitters besides Barry Bonds will be investigated. If baseball really wants the truth, then they have to go back to the beginning of what many consider the steroid era. If that happens then maybe we can begin to cleanse baseball and help it get back to being the national pastime.

A few things I've realized

On my last post, I discussed the misery of being on this rotation at the hospital. I must say that at this point I am getting somewhat numb. With only two weeks left, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My good friend here is going to take my place in this rotation, so I am told by my wife and others to not really let loose with my utter disdain. My friend and I are likely the two people in the world who dislike the rotation the most. I thought today I would take a different approach to my feelings about this month and point out the positive things and appreciations I have drawn from the experience. To remind you what I'm actually doing, I am on inpatient internal medicine. What that means is that anytime anyone comes into the hospital to stay for any reason other than surgery, I am one of the people taking care of them. For example, if someone has horrible stomach flu and they are so dehydrated that they have to stay in the hospital, then I'm your man.

So without further delay, the following is the list of positive outcomes I have from this rotation:

1. I appreciate free time so much more than ever before. Now a weekend or a weeknight off is not something to be wasted with something mindless. I am deliberate about my activities, even if I am deliberately relaxing in front of the tv, it's not just because I have nothing else to do.

2.Spending time with the people who are important to you is really key and central to everything. I have learned this by moving away from my friends and family for medical school four years ago. These months have reiterated and magnified this. I left a town of 5,000 people to live 50minutes away in a two of ~100,000 people in college. At that point I just wanted to soak up my new found freedom and exploration. I still soak those things up but I have learned the value of a home base. Now that I am 8 hours away and can only communicate with friends and family by phone or computer, I appreciate close ties even more. I have a set of people that are the most important to me. I have made many good friends here but my truly great friends are mostly from elsewhere. I appreciate it even more after months of spending limited time with even my wife.

3. Working and studying are great if you can find the way to enjoy it and do it your way. Take Piccu, he reads and studies as much as I do, perhaps even more. He does so with different things than I do, but regardless he is in his comfortable chair reading at night and absorbing what he enjoys. In the way that he enjoys doing it. In the past I have crammed things in for the sake of knowing them, but I had lost the enjoyment factor. I still have to know some things that are dry or less interesting, but these months have taught me to be efficient in the things that I am not truly interested in but need to do and find a way to take in the other things in an enjoyable means. For me that needs to be on my porch or at coffee shop.

4.I have been reiterated the importance for being both an extrovert and introvert. By the world's standards I am an extrovert but sort of toward the middle. As compared to a lot of truly extroverted people (like french toast), I am more introverted. The thing is I need both and appreciating my time alone and with family/friends is even more valued. All this comes about from the first thing with having a small amount of time and having to prioritize how to spend it.

5.Sleep is key! I don't think more explanation is needed.

Well, many of these thing may grow from there having been lacking since the last year, but at least I am getting more appreciation for something while there.

More news on the Rajon Rondo/point shaving allegations

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**UPDATE** It seems we created a bit of a stir with this post and the previous post as well. I linked the first post to this one so I figured I should link this one back to the first so all of the UK haters could get their gossip fix. LOL Click here for the original post that started a minor underground sensation. ENJOY!

BRATCH
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As I posted a few weeks ago, a source told me that the FBI and the NCAA was investigating University of Kentucky point guard Rajon Rondo for point shaving in three specific games this past season. My source's source was someone affiliated with the FBI who knew first hand about the investigation. I also have spoken with several others in the know who claims that the RUMOR has got legs and that an investigation may have been going on since the UConn game. I must say once again that these are allegations and none of this has been proven as fact.

Today, in fact just a couple of hours ago, I heard from my source again. He had new information for me on the Rondo situation. He claims that he got this information from a former UK player. The player did not really want to talk about the Rondo/point shaving allegations, but did not say that the rumors were false. The former player seemed to think that there was definitely something behind the allegations, but he thought that whether the investigation turned up anything or not, the whole thing would be swept under the rug and never mentioned out loud in the media. The former player believes the FBI and the NCAA will let things be because Rondo is leaving UK for the NBA.

I could definitely see this happening. Why would the NCAA want to let this get out if indeed it did happen? Talk about a PR hit, to find out that a player at a MAJOR basketball school is involved in illegal gambling and who knows what else. The NCAA would have to do a thousand investigations because if it could happen at the University of Kentucky, it could happen anywhere. Ratings are down, players are leaving early, the NCAA doesn't need anything else to take attention away from the game or to turn fans away.

I am not sure if the allegations are true, but according to what my source has been telling me, I find it hard to believe that there isn't something going on. I don't think that we will ever hear about it on Sportscenter or in the newspapers officially. I am a UK fan and I hope that nothing like this has happened. The good news is that we will probably never know for sure. Sweet ambiguity!

Pedro vs. the Nationals...No Contest

I am not a violent man by nature, but when an opposing pitcher hits two of your guys, including hitting one guy twice, the next game you face him you have to put one in his ear hole. This was the case a week ago when the New York Mets’ Pedro Martinez hit two Washington Nationals’ batters, including hitting Jose Guillen twice. Pedro has in fact hit Guillen 5 times in 40 at bats. It is no surprise to find out the Guillen has a very good lifetime average against Pedro. I guess Pedro figures Guillen is getting on base anyway; he might as well expedite the process.

Last night, the Mets came to DC to face the Nationals and Pedro was on the hill. I thought this would be something the Nationals and tough as nails manager Frank Robinson would have been salivating over. I did not think that anything would go down right off the bat because all involved in the game were warned not to try anything fishy, like burying a fastball in someone’s kidneys. Ha, like that has ever stopped anyone in baseball from a little retaliation.

I watched the first few innings before going to a friend’s house for The Amazing Race and Lost. I watched Pedro buzz a few into Jose Guillen in the first, nothing dangerous, but they were up and in. Then Pedro came to the plate and I watched as Tony Armas, Jr., the pitcher for the Nationals, buzzed a couple of high fastballs in to Pedro. Pedro never ducked, dodged, dived, or ducked. He actually looked bored. He was finally walked.

I understood at that time that Pedro would probably not be hit in the first couple of innings, especially with a man on and a couple of outs. Besides, both teams want to win the game and putting a man on first and losing your starting pitcher in the first couple of innings is not the way to win a game. I just knew that around the 5th, 6th or 7th inning when Pedro would be up for what may be his final at bat, he would feel the sting of the horse hide or hear it buzz past his noggin.

Wrong! Wrong! Nothing happened. No one was hit, no bench clearing brawls, nothing. What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? I was sure that someone would go down, if not Pedro, then one of the Mets’ superstar hitters such as Carlos Delgado or Carlos Beltran. Nothing doing.

As I said I am not a violent man, but like Mr. Tony says, this a Sopranos situation. Because nothing was done, the Nationals looked like Johnny Sack after he broke down and sobbed at his daughter’s wedding. I’m like Phil Leotardo in the fact that I have lost respect for the Nationals and Frank Robinson. Of all managers I would expect Robinson to make the call for a plunking. He is so old school that he was one of the first students. I guess things in baseball have changed. It’s too bad.

Go-Juice, Petrol, Fuel, Gas

No matter what you call it, gasoline is expensive and getting more so. There are a number of reasons for this. The link above references an NPR story on it. Pay attention to the bottom of the article where it says gas prices could increase by another dollar.

What slays me in all of this is seeing these hick yahoos who drive this oversized trucks and floor it. They pass me on the roads all the time. Where do these high school kids get their money?!? They've got to be filling these giant trucks up at least twice a week. Thinking they've got at least an 18 gallon tank on them, at 2.85 per gallon, that's $51 per fillup.

Me, I'm loving my Nissan Altima right now. And probably for a long time to come.

The Eagles of Death Metal are back with a vengance.

The day has finally arrived. Today the Eagles of Death Metal have released their sophomore album, “Death by Sexy.” Unfortunately for me, I gave up buying cds and dvds and such for Lent so I cannot buy it for myself until Sunday. That shouldn’t stop you from checking them out.

I got into them because the drummer/co-founder/producer Josh Homme aka Carlos Von Sexron aka Baby Duck is in one of my favorite bands the Queens of the Stone Age. In the EODM he plays the drums and yelps indiscriminately throughout the songs. The lead guitarist/lead singer is Jesse Hughes aka J-Devil aka The Devil. He purportedly has the sexist moustache in rock ‘n’ roll. The sound of the EODM is kind of a sexy dance rock. It is definitely party music and quite a few songs can definitely be used as baby making music. They are to death metal what Al Green and Marvin Gaye are to R & B.

The name is kind of weird I’ll admit. The explanation of the name is easy to understand. They are not a death metal band. In fact, if they were a death metal band, they would sound like the Eagles of all death metal bands. Check out the new album and the debut album Peace. Love. Death. Metal. Click the link to get to know the guys in the band a little better in an FHM interview.

Piccu's Quotes of the Day

“I love porn, but I don’t try to think about it until 8:30.” Adam Carolla after he was informed that the Circus of Books, a porn shop, opens at 6:00 AM.

“Why do people always get shot at nightclubs? That’s why I always go to restaurants. No one gets shot at a restaurant.” Adam Carolla after hearing the news of the shooting death of rapper Proof.

A little sports hodge podge, coming at you.

I think I have finally gotten my core temperature back to normal and I am ready to take some quick hits at what is going on in the sports world. It’s a little something I like to call hodge podge. Let’s hunt.

Barry Bonds is the topic du jour in baseball right now. There are many thoughts that pop into the old skull when you hear the name Barry Bonds. Here are a few terms to describe Bonds: bitter, cheater, liar, stubborn mule, and for some, the greatest. I think all of those apply to Bonds, but one thing I have to say about Bonds is that he is always watchable.

I have probably seen half or more of his at bats so far this season. I just want to see how he will function during all the steroid talk and all the investigations, and how he will react to all the fans who will boo and ride him any chance they get. I have not watched Bonds’ little “reality” show yet, but I will. I have seen clips of Bonds crying. I have seen clips of Bonds saying he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him.

I am sure the show’s aim is to humanize Bonds and mine sympathy for him, but one thing Bonds needs to realize while he is fishing for sympathy is that he is not a victim; he brought this all on himself.

I think the only way Bonds can garner any sympathy is to come clean about everything. Look what it has done for Jose Canseco. Look at what coming clean has done for Jason Giambi. Bonds may not be "forgiven" like those players were, but it would go a long way to repairing the damage already done to his legacy.

On to golf, and I am not a huge golf fan, but I did watch some of the Masters on Sunday. I think I watched about 3 minutes of the telecast. I’m sorry, watching golf on TV just doesn’t do it for me. I am more interested in watching a sport that I can’t play than one in which I could play every weekend. I will say this; it is good to see that Phil Mickelson is bringing back the mullet.

In college basketball, it looks like everyone is coming back for the national champion Florida Gators and the University of Kentucky Wildcats seem to be losing players left and right. Ravi Moss, Patrick Sparks and Brandon Stockton have graduated. Adam Williams is transferring, probably a good idea for him. Rajon Rondo is going to the NBA to be a superstar. I also heard about another player transferring and by the looks of it, one other player will probably be leaving the team.

The reason I think other players will be leaving the team is that it seems Tubby Smith is recruiting two more players for next year, besides the four he already has coming in. The numbers don’t work out unless the current team loses a player or two to open up the necessary scholarships. It could be a very interesting off season for the University of Kentucky Wildcats, so keep your eyes and ears open in the coming weeks and months.

Now one more thing that I have to write about this week. I have received good feedback about my Cincinnati Opening Day column, but some of those who went with me were disappointed that I left one thing out about the trip. I admit, perhaps my brain was frozen and I forgot. So I thought I would tell you about it now.

We got to the game what seemed like six hours before the opening pitch. We camped out in the outfield in foul territory during batting practice trying to get a foul ball as a souvenir. After about a 30 minute wait, we got what we were waiting for, a hard driven foul ball screaming toward our group.

Unfortunately, I never saw it and the others in the group were ducking for cover. My brother lost the ball in a white patch in his field of vision and his only thought was to protect the camera he had brought with him. He did this, but he was blasted by the ball on his right forearm. The ball bounced off his arm and onto the field.

I am sure it hurt like a son of a gun, but my brother never let on that his arm was on fire with pain or that he had broken it in four places. I’m kidding, he did not break his arm, but a nasty bump was raised. We never had another shot at a foul ball the rest of the day. How I forgot to include that in last week’s column I do not know, so there it is.

Nickel Creek Crushes the Capital

I'm not a concert afficiando by any stretch. But I enjoy them. I've probably been to 15-20 in my life. Saturday night's Nickel Creek concert at the Capital Arts Building in Bowling Green, Ky was a pretty good one.
First things first, they opened the concert in a way I didn't expect. It seems most groups open their shows with an upbeat number to get the crowd into the show. Nickel Creek opened with the tender "Why Should the Fire Die?" Great harmonies, gentle melodies and warm lyrics. Not at all what I'd expect.
So I was a bit concerned that this concert would be a more serious event than I anticipated. Well, it was anything but. If you're not familiar with the group its a trio of Sean and Sarah Watkins (guitar and violin, respectively) and Chris Thile on mandolin. None of the three is over 25 I believe and all are upper echelon musicians, especially Thile who is so talented he actually played a piece by Bach on the mandolin for his individual encore piece. And he played it fast and flawless.
NC stuck to their own stuff for the most part but did work in Short People by Randy Newman into a medley with The Fox (my personal favorite NC song) and an acoustic version of Toxic by Britney Spears. Yep, Toxic. It was hilarious and actually sounded pretty good. Much better than Trailer Trash Barbie's version.
I don't know if I've seen three more talented musicians on the same stage. They played for 2 hours and 15 minutes and I could have stayed longer. A great concert that did nothing but cement my admiration for a truly talented group of musicians. Check them out if you haven't before.

The Gospel of Judas

Click the link and read this article on Yahoo, if you haven’t already. It is about something I have been hearing about for a few weeks. Apparently someone found a Gospel of Judas that paints him in a different way than most of us may have been taught. It tells the story of Judas being asked by Jesus to turn Him in to the authorities to be crucified. I guess it portrays Judas as a misunderstood reluctant hero.

I have sometimes wondered why Judas was vilified as much as he was. It had to be done, someone had to do it. I find it hard to blame someone, whether it is the Jews or Judas or anyone, because this was something that was going to take place no matter who set things in motion.

Check out the article and check your local listings for a TV program called The Gospel of Judas on the National Geographic Channel. It premieres Sunday April 9 at 7 PM

Funniest Movie Scenes I've Ever Seen

This subject came up at work, and I thought I'd introduce it on the Affect.

What's the funniest scene you've ever watched in a movie. To kickstart the topic, I'll offer some of my favorites in no particular order:

Blazing Saddles... welcoming in the new sheriff. "We extend a laurel and hardy handshake to our new...nigger."

Something About Mary...Ben Stiller fighting with the dog.

Happy Gilmore...Happy and Bob Barker fighting on the golf course in a Pro/Am.

Airplane...A line forming to slap a woman who has gone into hysterics.

Caddyshack...Danny and Ty discussing lumberyards, college and life while Danny caddies.

Piccu's Quote of the Day and My American Idol Views

“He told the story of him sucking.” Adam Carolla on The Adam Carolla show after the news girl said that country music is supposed to tell a story and how hard it was to understand Bucky when he sang.

Speaking of Bucky, how is this guy still on the show? He was horrible even singing his style of music. I thought Kurt Cobain was hard to understand. Bucky has marbles in his mouth. He seems like a nice enough dude and he probably will get some kind of recording contract for making it this far, but come on America, get rid of him.

Mandisa went last night (before Bucky). Elliot and Paris were with her in the bottom two. What? I don’t understand some of these voters, unless they are all voting for the worst. Ace should have gone weeks ago, his act is so played. Until this past Tuesday I am not sure he sang a song that wasn’t flat. His falsetto can be B-R-utal at times; it is time for him to go.

We are now down to eight and here’s who the final four should be. Chris Daughtry and Elliot Yamin will make the final four. I know Taylor is good, but even he doesn’t really want to win, though neither does Daughtry. The final two girls will be McPheever and the Pickler. I know Paris is good, damn good, but America has been close to getting rid of her already, she will go, but go on to be a great singer. I just have to think the whether it is an act or not, Pickler will be there until the end. She is just so damn cute and dumb. America loves dumb people. Look at the Paris Hiltons and Jessica Simpsons of the world.

Breaking news: Tubby Smith leaving UK for NC State? FBI investigating a former University of Kentucky basketball player for point shaving?

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**UPDATE** Below you will read the original post that Piccu put up about the possible point shaving scandal, but, for those of you who only get the link to this specific post, we have more news. Our minions are out and about everywhere so read on and then click here for the latest intel.

BRATCH
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Breaking news here on IA. Sources have informed me of two big rumors going around Lexington involving the University of Kentucky Wildcats basketball team. One more substantiated than the other. Let me once again make this clear, THESE ARE RUMORS, NOT FACT, at least as of yet.

The less substantiated rumor is the UK head coach Tubby Smith is leaving to take the head coaching job at North Carolina State. All that needs to be worked out is the money. I am not sure which end the money is being worked out, whether it be Tubby and NC State or Tubby and UK.

Kind of makes sense because Tubby is a North Carolina native and would probably be more welcome there than he has been at UK. It does seem to be a step down, but when you are the coach of the University of Kentucky, just about any other coaching job is a step down. I always figured he would head to the NBA and rumors were that the Charlotte Bobcats were going to bring him in when present coach Bernie Bickerstaff stepped down in the next year or two. Keep an eye out for that in the next few days.

As I said there were two rumors with the Tubby rumor being the less substantiated. This rumor coming out of Lexington is the more substantiated. Apparently the FBI and the NCAA are on campus in Lexington investigating the allegations that Rajon Rondo was involved in point shaving. My source says that the FBI is looking at three specific games in which Rondo was reported to have shaved points.

I will say that if you watched games as I have this year, you may remember there were a few games in which Rondo had a sub par game until the last moments in which he would continually drive to the basket and lay it in. He scored 10 to 12 points that way very quickly. I think those were pre SEC Conference games and I will be interested to hear what three games are being looked at.

What does this mean for UK? I’m not sure. I’m sure they will get some kind of punishment, but if this was Rondo free styling and no one knew of this, then I do not believe that the sanctions would be as severe as the Eddie Sutton fiasco. I expect that Rondo could be facing some jail time if the allegations are true and might explain why he is hiring an agent and not just testing the NBA waters.

Whatever the case, it seems like there will be a huge mess in Lexington for somebody to clean up. I also assume that this will cause massive celebration for WKU and U of L fans.

Your new favorite band, The Raconteurs.

As most of you may know, I am a huge fan of The White Stripes. Well, now I have to become a huge fan of a band called The Raconteurs. The Raconteurs are a new band that Jack White, one of the founding members of The White Stripes, has formed with some friends. The other members of the band include, Brendan Benson (guitar, vocals, and keys), Jack Lawrence (bass), Patrick Keeler (drums). Benson has mainly been a solo artist, while Lawrence and Keeler form the rhythm section for Cincinnati's own The Greenhornes. Their debut will bow in May 2006.

If you are familiar with The White Stripes you know that their music is a more primitive blues music that you get with a singer/guitarist and, let’s be honest, a mediocre drummer. I get what Jack White is trying to do. He wants a raw, no frills sound. With The Raconteurs, it seems to be a more polished tighter sound.

One thing I am very interested in is hearing Jack White accompanied by a bass player and a more competent drummer. If you would like to see the video for their first single, “Steady as She Goes,” click the link and check it out. Fans of the Stripes may find it weird to not see Jack White in his trademark red/white or red/black get ups, but the song is very good. It is a song that might get stuck in your head, so be warned.

A Cold Day in Cincinnati

This week's column is about my trip to Cincinnati for opening day baseball. I know Florida just won a national championship, I know Barry Bonds is being investigated, but I thought I would write something a little lighthearted this week. So let us begin.

The trip began on Sunday and we made our way to the Buckeye State. The day was cloudy, but warm with a few sprinkles. Until we got to Louisville, then we ran into what some may call a deluge. The rain was so hard we couldn't see the cars in front of us. Our driver narrowly missed crashing us several times. but we made it into Cincinnati alive, if not shaken.

Throughout the night in Cincinnati there were thunder storm warnings, tornado watches, and sirens going all night. Lightening streaked the sky surrounding the PNC Bank building and the rained poured, but nothing devastating took place, at least to my knowledge.

My friends and I had been preparing for this trip by keeping an eye on the weather for weeks. We wanted to know how to dress for the game. One good rule of thumb is it is always better to dress too warmly than to not dress warm enough. I thought that to myself several times as I saw many women wearing open toed sandals and capri pants. We all bundled up, though not enough, we would realize later.

We began our walk to the stadium at about 9:30. The stadium doors were opening extra early this day because President Bush was throwing out the first pitch and security would be tight. We decided to go ahead and skip the opening day parade and check out the Reds batting practice.

We arrived at the Great American Ballpark thinking that it was going to be a good day even though the wind was whipping. We did not take into consideration at that time of the temperature drop we were facing. The security was set up before the gates of the ballpark and we had to walk into tents, empty our pockets, walk through the metal detectors, and get patted down. I notice that when it came to getting patted down, a few of the people looked as though they knew the drill a little too well.

We made our way in and headed straight for food. We had not had breakfast yet so we decided to start our day with the most important meal. Most went for Skyline Chili Coneys, but I thought that was a little too much for breakfast, so I had a Big Red Smokey and a bratwurst. Hey, it's sausage, you eat sausage for breakfast.

We then watched some batting practice. We also began to notice that with the 20 to 30 mile an hour wind swirling around the stadium that it is a little colder than when we first arrived. Instead of feeling like an opening day game with sun and warmth and bright colors, it felt more like an early October game, dreary and cold, with the Reds long out of contention for fourth place in the division.

We decided that perhaps we should go to the souvenir shop and buy something or at least get warmed up. I then decided instead to go sign up for a Cincinnati Reds credit card. I do not need a credit card and I don't expect to take one if offered, but for just filling out the paperwork, you received a free gift. My free gift? A nice warm Cincinnati Reds blanket. I thought I could wrap up in it during the game or burn it for heat.

Game time and we are all freezing but ready for the first pitch. President George W. Bush comes out to a rousing ovation and throws a good pitch. A better pitch than many of what the Reds' pitchers threw that day. This marked the first time a sitting president had thrown out the first pitch for the Cincinnati Reds. No matter what you may think about the man, it was pretty cool to witness the president throwing out a first pitch.

On to the game. I am not going to give the the total rundown, you can check a box score for that, but I will give you some details of the game. I noticed the groups of snipers strategically place around the stadium, that gives you a good feeling let me tell you. I notice that it is getting colder and colder. I notice that a player for the Cubs has both a divine and evil name, Angel Pagan.

The wind is still swirling and it seems to be affecting the outfielders, well, at least one anyway. Reds outfielder Adam Dunn has had an adventure in left field. He has crashed into walls, run around in circles and when he finally does track down a pesky fly ball and makes the catch, he gets the largest ovation of the day. It is getting still colder. Three in my group are wearing their free blankets as hijabs around their head to keep their faces warm.

I decide at the end of the third inning that it is lunch time. So I go and look for more healthier fare and I decide on another brat and a hot dog. The lunch of champions, something the Reds will not be this year if today's game is any indication. While in line for my artery clogging food I get behind a guy and his Lindsay Lohan look alike girlfriend. The line is so slow that I miss the entire fourth inning and part of the fifth and this girl in front of me has not stopped talking the entire time. I now know of her undying love for Bonnaroo and how she has planned her whole summer around it.

Back to my seat and I scarf down the chow and wrap myself up in my blanket and prepare to freeze for another 4 innings. My cousin asks someone else in the group if there is any chance he could talk the group into leaving early and I say he could have talked me into leaving in the first inning.

Let me try to explain to you how cold it was in the ballpark that day. Take the coldest you have ever been in your life and multiply by one hundred. Got that? Now punch yourself in the face five times and you are half way there.

We decide to leave at the top of the ninth inning and we head for the exits. Half of our group must have looked like a group of Bedouin nomads with our blankets wrapped around our heads. As we arrived closer to the parking garage a group of people came out of a hotel right in front of us. Being half frozen and delirious from the cold I almost ran into the head of the group. I quickly recognized that the guy I almost flattened on my race to the warmth of a well heated mini van was none other than Cincinnati's own, Nick Lachey. For those who do not recognize that name, he is the former Mr. Jessica Simpson.

After our almost literal brush with fame, we got into the vehicles and headed home. Even though the elements were brutal and the Reds stunk, that was not what this annual trip was about. It was about hanging out with your friends and enjoying the atmosphere that is opening day. I hope that some of you can experience this with your favorite team. I forgot to mention, it is also about the food. In case you are wondering, for dinner I had a hot dog, a jalapeno cheese dog and a corn dog. You know, just a little something for the trip home.


Stayed tuned for Bratch's photo essay including a cameo appearance by Nick Lachey.

Panda WATCH!!!! Cincinnati...

Panda watch!!!!! I am reporting to live from high atop the Millenium Hotel in downtown Cincinnati and things are heating up here. I've covered some big, big stories before, Ron, but this is huge.

Currently Piccu and I are trying to choose a movie for Big Kev to buy since his card is covering any... Incidentals that might occur.

So far the trip has been rainy, but right now the (expletive deleted) is hitting the fan. Thunderstorm warnings until like 4 a.m. and tornado watches and warnings everywhere. From the 10th floor we can see a lot and we've already heard weather sirens. We tried to get an interview with the storms, but meteorologist Hamilton Westchester told me "No, you can't do that, because a tornado can literally rip your face off."

Biggs is all tore up and Piccu thinks he hears stuff breaking.

I have a photo of the calm before the storm that I'll add to this tomorrow or the next day. Time to watch Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. And no it is not a porno. It has Val Kilmer and Robert Downy Jr.

Thanks, Big Kev.